Tuesday, July 12, 2011

What is there to complain about?

I am a hot mess.

Life is grand. I have the most AMAZING family, and some simply magnificent friends. I know I am well loved. I know where I came from, I know why I'm here, and I know where I'm going (ultimately). So why do I feel the way I do?

I have this constant knot in my stomach. I am always worried that people are mad at me. I'm afraid that I'm making bad decisions every day. I know I need to be a better person but I don't know how to do it. Even right now, I'm crying and I don't know why. I awake virtually all night last night with a sick feeling in my stomach for no good reason.

I've even done much soul searching lately to help me with some decisions I was faced with, and came up with a plan, and felt good about it. I still do. I need to stay in Lethbridge for at least another semester. I need to be here. There are people I need to help, and things I need to figure out on my own, before I potentially move back to Ontario to be closer to family.

Maybe I can blame all this on anxiety/depression.. I'm not sure. I do know that I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm sorry if anyone reading this thinks it's too much information, or too personal for me to be blogging about, but I kind of treat my blog like my journal, and I'm the type of person who simply CAN'T figure things out in my own head. I need to write it all down or say it out loud or something. So here's hoping this helps.

My good friend cody told me to write a list of things I love about myself. Worth a try.

- I feel what other people feel. This allows me to be empathetic, and a good listener.
- I think I'm funny :)
- I have big beautiful eyes. I love my eyes.
- I'm a good baker!
- I'm smart
- I'm very loyal.. to friends, to my job, and especially to my family.
- I'm a good teacher. I never thought I'd say that about myself.

That's all I can come up with right now. Like I said, I have a great life. I know of many people who have way bigger problems than I do. I don't know how these people have made it through life so far so strong and so inspiring. Things have been pretty "easy" for me. Maybe I just need to learn to be more grateful I guess.

I'm sorry this blog entry has been so depressing! How can I end this on a happier note.... How about this!! Nobody can deny that baby laughter is the best medicine :)


  1. Where to start hmmmmmm. I hope I won't "stir the pot"
    "I am always worried that people are mad at me"
    You have had that feeling since kindergarten.

    ""I'm afraid That I'm making bad decisions every day"
    We all go through that,daily (even perfect people like me)
    "I know I need to be a better person" Who doesn't? (except me)
    "but I don't know how to do it"
    Why do you think there are more self-help books, programs, support groups in the world.
    "Even now, I'm crying and I don't know why"
    Get used to it. You are your mothers daughter. (I hope) (Just kidding) If you are that depressed all the time, you might want to talk to a doctor. Your mother uses melatonin to help her get to sleep. It's in the display with homeopathic things like cod liver oil pills. Very natural, No drugs
    I'm the person who simply CAN'T figure thing in my head"
    here you are your father's daughter.
    for your list of your positives,
    1) Sometime you feel too much for things you have no control
    2) me again lol
    3) you have had those big eyes since birth. People remember them
    4) taught by moi.
    5) You have good learning genes

    You have more assets than you are aware. Don't be so hard on your self. Everything will work out and be sealed and raise a righteous family
    You have had blessings that say that. Doesn't your Patriarchal Blessing say the same thing?
    I agree with your decision. Know that we will support you in your decision. Before you get that down, call me. (or your mother, I guess:)

    I love you and wish I could help more.


  2. What you're going through sounds eerily familiar. That sick feeling, the inability to sleep, the crying for no real reason.. I don't know why it is you're experiencing it, but it was what I went through towards the end of my relationship with Dave Higgins. It nearly ruined me. And I remember that when I realized how miserable I was, it was still pretty difficult for me to get the guts to dig myself out of it.

    It sounds like you are depressed. But it could definitely be circumstantial, meaning your feelings will pass as things in your life change. The key is figuring out which things have to change and who or what is bringing you down.

    I think that maybe what you need most right now is to make decisions about life and about friendships based on what you WANT. There is no point trying to make others happy if you can't do it for yourself. Do yourself a favour and take the pressure of pleasing others off. It's hard to take the first step, but once you do, the relief is incredible.