Life is grand. I have the most AMAZING family, and some simply magnificent friends. I know I am well loved. I know where I came from, I know why I'm here, and I know where I'm going (ultimately). So why do I feel the way I do?
I have this constant knot in my stomach. I am always worried that people are mad at me. I'm afraid that I'm making bad decisions every day. I know I need to be a better person but I don't know how to do it. Even right now, I'm crying and I don't know why. I awake virtually all night last night with a sick feeling in my stomach for no good reason.
I've even done much soul searching lately to help me with some decisions I was faced with, and came up with a plan, and felt good about it. I still do. I need to stay in Lethbridge for at least another semester. I need to be here. There are people I need to help, and things I need to figure out on my own, before I potentially move back to Ontario to be closer to family.
Maybe I can blame all this on anxiety/depression.. I'm not sure. I do know that I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm sorry if anyone reading this thinks it's too much information, or too personal for me to be blogging about, but I kind of treat my blog like my journal, and I'm the type of person who simply CAN'T figure things out in my own head. I need to write it all down or say it out loud or something. So here's hoping this helps.
My good friend cody told me to write a list of things I love about myself. Worth a try.
- I feel what other people feel. This allows me to be empathetic, and a good listener.
- I think I'm funny :)
- I have big beautiful eyes. I love my eyes.
- I'm a good baker!
- I'm smart
- I'm very loyal.. to friends, to my job, and especially to my family.
- I'm a good teacher. I never thought I'd say that about myself.
That's all I can come up with right now. Like I said, I have a great life. I know of many people who have way bigger problems than I do. I don't know how these people have made it through life so far so strong and so inspiring. Things have been pretty "easy" for me. Maybe I just need to learn to be more grateful I guess.
I'm sorry this blog entry has been so depressing! How can I end this on a happier note.... How about this!! Nobody can deny that baby laughter is the best medicine :)